design advice for the struggling couple
Cohabitation in any form comes with its own unique sets of challenges. Add differing opinions on design to that mix and you may find yourself really struggling to compromise on a design plan that meets both you and your partners needs. It’s totally normal to have different ideas about what you want or need out of a space, especially when you are trying to create the space you have always dreamed of. I see this so frequently that I tease that part of my job description is couples counseling, because often I help them understand each others perspective.
So, how do we design a home when we don’t agree with our partner? Here are a few suggestions...
1. Every shared space requires compromise.
I feel it’s considerate and important to care about what another person thinks, and to listen to the reason behind why your partner feels so strongly about their design opinions. Sometimes understanding their reasoning can explain more than you might see on the surface.
2. Show example photos.
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. One might describe a style in a completely different way than the other actually visualizes it. One person’s modern farmhouse may not be the others. Do your homework and find example photos. A lot of people need visuals to be able to imagine something, especially big changes. I always do this with my clients. I have them look at many photos and try to get them to describe what they like and dislike about a photo. Sometimes learning what they don’t like helps more than what they do like.
3. Give options.
Looking at different options helps A LOT—especially when it comes to big purchases. Seeing examples of a fully styled room with whatever element you are wanting to do can be a really important step for someone who doesn’t know how to visualize big room changes (which is most people). For example.... If you are wanting a wallpapered feature wall, look at many photos of this with your partner, so they can see what that would actually be like in your home.
4. Discover exciting things you both want.
You may not agree on everything, but I trust you can discover something you both want in the space. Give lots of attention to that thing. This can help bring unity and a common goal.
5. Help your partner get something they want.
If there is something that your partner really wants in the design space, help make that happen. For example, if they really want to create the den space of their dreams, help make that happen. Then when you are wanting to remodel your bedroom, remind your partner how you supported their desired space and now you need your wants and needs to be supported. Find ways to be fair, listen to your partner, and be willing to balance the give and take. It’s what we should do in all areas of our relationships. Why not in design, too?
6. Hold out for what you really want, but be patient.
If you don’t agree right away, give it time. My parents taught me that if a couple doesn’t agree on a topic, wait. Make no decision until you come into agreement. Maybe walk through the steps above to see if that helps, but if not, take the time you need. This will save you from emotional and financial stress and eventually you may understand the other’s point of view. Or you may decide to hire an Interior Designer/couples counselor that will guide you through the entire process.
Just remember, relationships are what is most important. Treasure your partner. Remind yourself of why they are so special. List the reasons why you are grateful for them. I promise this will help put all things in perspective!
